It's officially pride month. *rainbow confetti*
I am bisexual. I've known it for almost 10 years now, although it happened in small steps. First, I thought I was heteroromantic/bisexual because I wanted to fool around with girls, but not date them. Then I thought dating them might be nice. Then my ex-boyfriend catfished me by pretending to be a girl who I online "dated" for longer than I care to admit, and I realized I was full-fledged bi. Bisexual, biromantic, the whole bi-shebang. (hehe...shebang)
And now, I'm dating a woman. It's been about two and a half years now and I'm gonna put a ring on it as soon as I find the right time to ask.
I'm very secure in being bisexual. I embrace my past experiences with men. I embrace the few experiences with women. And I fully embrace my girlfriend whenever I get the chance. I know that, as much as I hate the idea, if something happened to break us up, I might date a man again.
I just hate the word bisexual. I hate everything that it conjures up. I hate what it conjures up in me when I say it--an immediate need to defend, to explain, to fight for my right to be part of the queer experience even though it can feel like, sometimes, to myself, I don't belong here.
I didn't start thinking about girls like that until I was 23 years old. My boyfriend (yes, that asshole one) and I were being intimate and he started talking dirty about a threesome. On my drive home I realized that in the world I was creating in my head...he wasn't there in that scenario and I liked it just fine.
I wasn't shocked by the revelation, but it was definitely unsuspected. I never really had a big heart-to-heart with myself about it. I didn't agonize or feel ashamed or dirty for it. I thought through my past and found some crushes that at the time I didn't realize were crushes, but nothing big or astronomical or life-changing. I never looked longingly at that poster of the two girls in bed that all the lesbians loved (you know EXACTLY what poster I'm talking about).
It was the smallest, quietest coming out to myself. So I sometimes do feel unjustified in being part of the community. People have suffered. Parents have cried or thrown their own children out of the house. I live in a liberal bubble and I know it, 100%. From my perspective, I was just all of a sudden bisexual. And nothing changed.
But back to the actual word. You know what my big problem is with the word? The "sexual" part. Because as soon as I say "bisexual," the person I've said it to isn't thinking about the person I'm in love with or my dating life...they're thinking about my sex life. Because I've put it in their head. To me, to come out as "gay" or "lesbian" tells me who you, as a person, will fall in love with. Who your heart gets drawn to. But bisexual? You hear that and immediately, you're thinking of me having sex with a guy and me having sex with a girl. You're thinking that I must have already done both. You're thinking that I'm a little slutty for it, even though my sexual partners number doesn't come close to double digits (well, depending what you count as sex, but no matter what, it's not double digits).
It's hard to come to terms with in my own head. I love my sexuality and I'm proud of it and who I am and who I love and who I have the capacity to love. But I hate telling people.
Regardless, Happy Pride Month to every single person in the community. You are beautiful. You are loved. And you are incredible. And thanks to all the allies too.
Go celebrate. Hug people. Love each other. And let me know if you come up with a better word than "bisexual." I'd love to hear it.
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