Wedding Nerves

I'm getting married in just over 6 months and I. Am. Nervous. I'm nervous as hell. Sometimes, I'm too excited to be nervous and I forget to be nervous, but then something happens and I get scared all over again.

The wedding is going to be beautiful. The party is going to be a lot of fun. The food will be delicious, the decorations will take your breath away, and the cake will be a masterpiece. I'm still nervous.

My marriage is going to be awesome. I know that for sure. We're a pretty fun couple now--that's only going to amplify. We laugh a lot. We have a dog and a fish and I never thought a little family like this was going to make me so happy and whole. I'm still nervous.

Every few weeks, I'm struck with a paralyzing fear. "Should we rush to the courthouse and get married now?" I wonder. If Trump comes for same-sex marriages, do we need to already have that piece of paper? I live in constant fear of my marriage not being valid. I live in fear of having it in my grasp and then ripped right out of my hands.

It's a new thing that this is even possible. When we got engaged, some family and friends didn't even know that we were able to get married to each other officially.

I remember when I heard the news that it was legal everywhere. "Love won." I didn't even know Casey yet. But she felt like a possibility on that day.

I am scared all of the time. Even though I live in a bubble and I know it. I've lived my life surrounded by liberal, understanding, welcoming people. I don't have a "coming out" story because I never really did. I never really had to. I pretend the "other side" doesn't exist. It's easy in my life. I mean, I get it--I do risk calculations when I'm with my female fiance and sometimes have to determine if it's safe to hold her hand or give her a kiss. I've dated men, I know there are differences when you're out in the world living your life. But it's easy to ignore it because it's just love and what's so wrong about that?

I struggle because I've never had to make being bisexual part of my identity. But if Trump comes for my marriage, I'm going to have to. I'm going to have to fight tooth and nail for something that feels so natural and right and so much a part of me. It would be like fighting for the right to have my ears pierced. And I'm scared all the time that that's a fight I'm going to have to have and I don't know where to start.

I am so excited to get married and I am so scared of Trump.